Have you ever wondered about your flight crew? How they live, act in certain way, etc.? In this article we will tell you several very interesting facts, some of which might even shock you.
1. “I’ll come back with more information as soon as I have some”
This will be sometime-never. If it’s a technical issue, do I look like a mechanic? Not in this outfit, darling. If it’s a weather related delay, well no, I can’t work miracles and make the fog disappear, or make the snow melt. To be fair, you’re over-worked and under-paid cabin crews are always the last people to know anything anyway, so there’s not much point asking us.
2. “There’s no need to worry, our aircraft are perfectly safe!”
If you ignore the gaffer tape on the wing, the broken overhead lockers, the faulty toilet, the sink in the galley that keeps over flowing, the dodgy air conditioning units above row 31 and don’t even get me started on the broken seal around door. Please don’t be alarmed when you discover that this aircraft is almost as old as Joan Rivers and has done more miles than the space shuttle. Our engineers are not only excellent with their tool boxes, they can also work miracles. As our cabin crew queen Pam Ann once said “We don’t make the same mistake more than 3 times, maybe 4?”. “Please just ignore the flames billowing from the number one engine, this is perfectly normal on take-off”
3. “Thank you for flying with us today”
Yea, yea, you pay our wages. If it weren’t for you, dear passengers, choosing to fly with us, we’d be out of a job – blah, blah; we’ve heard it all before. The truth is, we’d much prefer it if you’d all stayed at home. An empty cabin is a happy cabin.
4. “I’m fine!”
We’re probably not. We may have been called out for this flight with just an hour and a half’s notice. Some prick has just had a go at me in business, just because I accidentally knocked into him with the trolley and the pursers took his side. I’m probably on minimum rest from my last duty, just 11 hours ago and I haven’t had anything to eat since I reported over 4 hours ago. On top of all of that I’m full of the flu, because working in recycled air, for 12+ hours a day and coming into contact with hundreds of different people every day, means you pick up every horrible bug going. My airlines sickness policy also means that I’m too scared to go sick, so I’ll come into work regardless and make myself worse. Teeth and tits, teeth and tits!
Finally, coming in as the biggest lie your cabin crew will EVER tell you onboard an aircraft
5. “I’m sorry!”
Normally we’re not. The fact of the matter is, whatever it is we’re apologizing for; it probably isn’t our fault anyway. Therefore, why should we apologize for it in the first place? But we do, as it shuts you up. It makes you think that you have won and makes our life that little bit easier. Yes, I’m sorry for the crap weather that has delayed your flight. I’m also sorry for the French ATC and those bastard Spanish baggage handlers, who have once again decided to go on strike. I apologize that we have run out of Chicken, I know, it’s all my fault and I really should have made sure there was more loaded onboard. I can’t apologize enough that Heathrow can’t handle more than 1 inch……of snow! I’m sorry for the exploding volcano in Iceland and please accept my sincerest apologies for the buggered engine on this state-of-the-art jet; but believe me I would much rather it be broken here than at 7 miles up.
6. You know that coffee you ordered?
It’s actually decaf even though you asked for regular. We’d rather that you sit back, relax and fall asleep so you don’t bother us too much. Our airline sent around a memo wondering why the decaf supplies were going so fast, noting that decaf costs more than regular coffee.
7. What if the flight is late?
If a flight is late, the airline might have to pay us overtime. If the flight is going to be late anyway, we’ve been known to delay it even further in order make sure overtime kicks in, which on our airline means up to double the hourly pay. We might find some minor defect in the aircraft or use some other ruse to make up for the money we don’t get paid waiting for take-off.
8. We are not a GPS!
Please don’t ask me what we’re flying over. I’m as clueless as you are. I am not flying the plane.
9. About the headphones
I want to yank your headphones off your head after I’ve asked you what you want to drink and you’ve responded “huh?” three times. After the fourth time I just move on or give you a Coke.
All in all, attendants are also people, they have feelings and needs and those who are flying shall not ignore them.
Sources: COATD, Flyvertosset